Gatland Gunned Down

Tuesday 8 February 2011
Published By: David Rawlings
Six Nations > Wales

A hulking great frame barrelled into conference room B and immediately the air soured. A rotten odour dissipating from the pits of the Welsh head coach wasn’t the problem, but a bitter tirade against England and Dylan Hartley meant Warren Gatland did a pretty good impression of an angry bear with a greying, out-of-date hair-cut.

Gatland’s “grenades”, as he called them, or as most others liked to call them “annoying grunts to distract from the terrible slump of form Wales are in” achieved the same as Gatland has done since the Welsh Grand Slam win in 2008 - namely, nothing. The Rhondda Valley seems like a skate park compared to the trough Gatland’s side are in.

Insulting Dylan Hartley and questioning his temperament wasn’t the problem. I mean where did he pluck that from? It’s not like Hartley was suspended in 2007 for gouging International team-mate James Haskell peepers twice in the same match now, is it?

No, that’s OK. Everyone loves a bit of needle before a Wales v England 6 Nations clash, even if a press conference with a coach turns out to be more interesting than the actual match. Which it did.

Unfortunately for Gatland, his attempts to point at the bag of poo on fire on England’s doorstep to distract from the burning inferno behind him didn’t work.

Why would you watch a man look, tut and raise his eyebrows as he threw a cup of water over a paper bag when you could watch an international rugby coach flinging Jamie Roberts and James Hook over his shoulder whilst screaming “DON’T LOOK AT THIS MASSIVE FIRE! LOOK AT THAT LITTLE ONE OVER THERE INSTEAD!”

The big man refused to do any more press after his comments - a sure sign that even he knew he had been an idiot.

One win from your last nine games isn’t good enough dear boy. Drawing 16-16 with Fiji isn’t good enough is it dear boy.

Playing the mercurial James Hook at full-back when he was badly needed at the heart of the action isn’t good enough dear boy.

Wales looked short of ideas against England; they may as well have started accusing Dylan Hartley of having a bit of fiery temperament mid-game for all the good it did. Wales did threaten England at times, especially in the first half (oh, so now you want to start talking about rugby and not monkeys and burning poo, do you?) and looked threatening.

But their lack of a Plan B after they were rebuffed by a strong wall of white shirts meant they had nowhere to turn to. The French will tear them apart if they continue in the same manner.

On this form, the England World Cup shirt will make somewhat of a larger impact than the red Welsh jersey later in the year.

As a room containing infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters bash away to write this very sentence you read, Gatland has been given the dreaded vote of confidence by the WRU as they stuff their Grim Reaper cloak down the back of the sofa and hide a Scythe up their jumpers. They might as well have burst out laughing when asked about Gatland’s future.

The former London Wasps coach has a lot of work ahead of him if he is to turn Wales around, and some reflective introspection may be better advised than trying to incite opponents.

Grumpy old goats shouldn’t throw stones in glass houses. Unless they buck their ideas up, they are unlikely to have a glass house for much longer.